I don’t know where to begin with this post as I wasn’t sure that I should even write it, but I feel like in order to move on, I’m one of those people that has to get it off my chest and clear my head, which leads me to writing this at gone 2am in the morning. I don’t usually share these types of posts with you as I always try to keep things inspirational and motivational, trying to help others and keep positive, but there’s never any room for lies in my life and the truth is – I have been struggling.
These past two months have been a crazy roller coaster ride of a journey for me and it’s not been a good one. I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stress in my life from others as well as a huge amount of health issues to contend with and it’s been a big struggle for me. Some days there have been tears, some there have been a lot of pent up anger and sadness, and other days, I’m ok. I’ve learned in life that being an empath definitely comes with its challenges and because I absorb and take on other peoples emotions (even from well acted films), it’s hard to be around anyone who isn’t positive, especially when I’m trying so hard myself.
Health wise, things haven’t been so easy for me as I’m still having a lot of stomach issues and I’ve had some set backs with my M.E as well because of the cold weather. I’ve had some temporary paralysis relapses, I’ve even had a lot of mental fog which has impacted my work too, and with my blood test results showing up an abnormally large amount of prolactin, it was questioned whether or not I had a tumour on my pituitary gland. This has been weighing on my mind as I was suffering from a lot of the symptoms as well, so I ended up having an MRI done on my brain last week, which has been incredibly emotional. It’s not something I have shared with anyone except those close to me, but I received the results from that fairly quickly and thankfully everything is ok. The abnormal amounts of prolactin were from the extreme stress I was under during the blood test as I’m extremely needle phobic and get hysterical with blood tests.
I’m taking a Vitamin D supplement as we found out I’m quite low in that, which I think might have helped my stomach a little bit actually, but one of the things I can’t seem to shake is the weight gain. I’ve never really been vocal about my weight in how much I weigh, but some months ago towards the beginning of this year I weighed 9 stone exactly, but weight has been creeping up on me and I’ve gained an extra 8 or so pounds on top of that and that’s difficult to deal with. I don’t know the reason why I am gaining weight steadily, it could be the medication, it could be something else (no, I’m not pregnant), and I know 8 pounds doesn’t seem like much to some people, but to me it’s a big deal. My stomach is always sticking out the majority of the time as it’s constantly bloated, I can barely ever button my jeans anymore, and I am struggling to fit my smaller clothes now. When you’re a fashion blogger and your career is based around denim and clothing, that is not good.
While I do realise that’s an incredibly vain and shallow thing to say, most of us care about our looks and when something on us is changing that we have no control over and don’t understand why, it’s extremely stressful and upsetting, especially when it’s making you feel self conscious. I’m just extremely happy that it’s winter right now and it requires a lot of layers so I can hide under them until this is figured out. You guys have no idea how hard I had to breathe in in my Miss Captain America costume to stop myself from looking like a Telly Tubby. Going from someone who is usually very body confident and happy with who they are to someone who doesn’t even recognise themselves in the mirror anymore is not an easy change.
I’ve had an incredibly packed up work schedule as well so I feel like I haven’t been able to write this post and share it with you properly because I’ve been so wrapped up in other content, and even though this month of November is booked up as well, I’m fitting this in as I need to get it out, to you. You all feel like my extended family and since you follow me so regularly, I feel it’s only fair that you know I’m not some incredibly strong woman who manages to juggle everything and be so positive all the time. I aspire to be that woman, but I struggle. I’m apologising to those around me if I’ve been short and snappy towards them when I’m dealing with the anger as that’s not usually my normal behaviour, but I came to the realisation that there’s no room for hatred, anger, and sadness in my heart anymore. There just isn’t. I have full control over my life with most things, and those that I don’t, I make the best of, so I’m kicking my own self up the butt to snap out of it.
I am in no way looking for sympathy at all, and that’s not why I’m writing this post. This is something that’s been ongoing for 8 weeks now and I thought it was something that I could just let go of and deal with on my own, but as it turns out, it’s always in the back of my head now even though I have gotten a little bit better emotionally and am a lot happier at the moment. It’s always still there because I don’t have that ability to lie and I feel like I’m keeping a secret from you all if I’m not making you aware that things aren’t ok at the moment. I guess you could call that a selfish reason to make this post as I need to type it all out to clear my head, but it would also be selfish of me not to and to continue on this downward spiral as I feel a lot of my posts have been lacking in personality.
I had thought about taking a break from blogging as the constant photo shoots, planning what to wear all the time, not being able to just go out on the weekends with Adam without worrying about a photo shoot etc was taking its toll on me badly because I didn’t have the emotional strength to deal with it all and I started to resent my work. That might come as a shock to you as it did to me because blogging is my passion and my life, so I knew things were bad when I didn’t have any care towards it. I was a finalist in the Cosmopolitan Influencer Awards 2016 for Content Of The Year (last week) and I wasn’t worried whether I won or not, and I never went to the awards ceremony. That’s really when I ultimately knew something is very wrong with me and I’ve been trying to get better because to not care about something I’m so passionate about wasn’t right.
Everything about blogging was stressing me out as I didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with it on top of everything else. Even the usual things I get, like companies wanting to work with you and then never replying to you again no matter how many times you email, even after you worked out the invoice together, they just vanish. I’m very used to this kind of thing as well as when others want to use you just because you have a blog, it comes with the territory (most PR people are lovely though), but this was all adding to my anger and my upset and only making it worse, making me want to give everything up and sit in a tree. I needed calm, quiet, peace. It was like my body was being inhabited by someone completely new and it was such a horrible feeling. I was ending up on a downward spiral on self sabotage mode, but luckily as I don’t drink alcohol or go to parties etc, I’ve never taken to anything recreational to numb it, so I’ve had to let it run its course.
I’m ready to write this post to you all now because I am currently on my journey forward again, looking back at this and trying to get better. My health will always have issues and I fully understand that, and some days will be better than others, but I have to remember that I am the leading lady in my own life’s movie (to reference The Holiday) and I am the one in charge of that. I need to learn to try and keep that feeling and any time something tries to grab me and turn me into someone I’m not again, I need to shake that off as fast as I can as I can’t let it overtake me. I’m avoiding certain things and situations which I know hinder my emotions in strong ways as they are incredibly intense, and I’m trying to only surround myself with positivity. Thank goodness it’s almost Christmas and there’s movies on all the time, and the worry of the MRI is over. I hope I can get fully back to myself as I’m finding my way back home to me. Lorna xx.
P.S. – What do you think about me having a page on my blog which is entirely separate from content, but would be used as more of a diary/updates page? A page in which I could write what I’m feeling and anything going on, which those of you who are interested can read by clicking a link in the menu? A bit more of a personal page and you can comment and speak to me there based on what I write?
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Lorna, thank you for sharing these very personal thoughts, here’s a virtual hug for you from far across the miles. I so much hope you feel much better very soon. ❤️
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Thank you very much, John, that’s very kind of you. Much appreciated.
Hon, big kudos to you for writing this, I really respect people who can share both sides of their lives-i.e. the good and not so good. This year without fail has been the worst of my life and one of the hardest things was not having anyone to share some of the incidents with. Don’t get me wrong, I have an amazing and caring family and close knit friends but I didn’t feel like I could open up to them because none of their problems seemed as recurring and devastating as mine… they would talk about daily issues but they were not in a ‘dark place’ and that’s where I was…Anyhoo, back to you. I am glad your MRI brain scan results came back clear. And I totally get why you lost your oomph with blogging for a bit, you’ve obv. Worked damn hard on it and with all the other stuff going on, you probably got a tad burnt out….as for your tummy, maybe you are intolerant to something you are eating? Ok this comment is going on a bit, so I’ll say, take care of you and make sure you wind things down esp. as we are getting to the end of the year. (:
Ps I say yup, to adding personal posts to your blog in a separate section.
Author
Thank you so much, that’s really kind of you to say those words. I’m sorry you were going through a really tough time as well, are you doing better? I do have quite a few food intolerance’s, to dairy, to corn, to too much gluten etc, but I’ve had that for years and it doesn’t seem to be related to the weight gain unfortunately. I just hope I can get things back on track (: xx.
Well, honestly I don’t know if I am doing better or not, I’m just working through all of it, thanks for asking. Ah so if its not food intolerance perhaps go and see your DR, my stomach is majorly bloated too but I know a lot of that is coz of my snacking and non exercise- double whammy- OOPS! Have a good wkend hon ( :
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I’ve been seeing my doctor for about 18 months I think, it all started early last year and I’ve been on various medications and all sorts, even a triple course of antibiotics for 2 weeks which was one of the worst regimes I’ve ever been on. It’s a lot better on one of my tablets that I take now, but I think it’s an issue with over production of acid, but they can’t test for intolerance’s at the doctors. Only certain allergies. I know I have an allergy to cornflour, but I’m not allergic to gluten or wheat, but they do upset my stomach a bit. It’s been an up and down process trying to learn what’s good and what’s not, and I’m still not there, but none of it is explaining the weight gain to me which is the most confusing part. I’m glad you’re managing to work through yours though, stay strong! (:
Dearest Lorna,
I’m so sorry to hear of the high levels of stress you’ve been dealing with recently, and the setbacks with your health. I’m not surprised you’ve been struggling, as those things would be tough for anyone to deal with, and you’re only human. I’m sorry to hear of the continuing stomach problems and worrying symptoms you’ve had, but relieved that the MRI scan showed no abnormalities.
It’s helpful that you’ve recognised that something isn’t right, and taken steps to get in touch with your real feelings and address them. It was brave to write about your situation truthfully, rather than glossing things over to keep the tone of the blog lighthearted. I appreciate your honesty.
It’s perfectly ok to take a break sometimes and prioritise your wellbeing. Also, some people find Cognitive Behavioural Therapy quite worthwhile. I know you’ve spoken about therapy in the past, and sometimes it helps to revisit that option.
Finally, despite the way peoples’ lives may appear to others, particularly in the online realm, everyone has weaknesses and difficulties they’re dealing with personally. There’s no shame in admitting that, and it’s important to be kind to yourself and accept the support of others.
p.s – I truly didn’t notice any weight gain, or that your recent posts were lacklustre, as you claimed. I often struggle with my weight too, due to a hormonal imbalance which gave me an unforgiving metabollism (it’s why I walk long distances every day). I tend to be super-aware of any changes with my stomach, but I’ve come to realise it’s much less evident / important to others.
*hugs*
Saba xx
http://www.trulymadlydeeplyfashion.blogspot.com
Author
Hi Saba! Thank you so much for those really sweet words of encouragement, you’re always so kind and nice, I look forward to your comments. I’m glad the MRI turned out ok too, I was so worried about that. I’ve had CBT before and it did help with some things, but a lot of the stuff isn’t something I can fix that way as I seem to take on everyone’s emotions around me, which then become my own, and it’s not for a reason that I can understand. I think I need to learn more to try and block that from happening and not put myself in a position of allowing it to happen until I’m much stronger. Sorry you are struggling with your weight too though, but it’s good you can keep it under control with the longer walks *hugs* xx.
You’re so welcome Lorna. It’s clear you’ve been strong for a very long time, and hopefully you’ll get through this difficult time as well, and overcome these setbacks. It’s good that you’re allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel, rather than numbing your feelings with bad habits. It must have been scary having an MRI scan, and from what I know it’s feels quite restrictive having it done. Thank goodness it’s over now. CBT is good at reprogramming a person’s mindset, so they approach problems differently. I only wish the physical ailments could be fixed as well.
I think I understand what you meant when you talked about taking on other peoples’ emotions in quite a personal way. For me, when I read upsetting headlines or know about someone else’s traumatic experiences, even an unknown person, it certainly preoccupies my thoughts a lot and troubles me, making it hard to sleep. I can’t help taking an interest in the news, but sometimes it drains me emotionally and I have to stop myself from reading the papers.
However, in order to be really helpful to others, it’s important that you care for yourself first, and do what’s needed to feel stronger within yourself.
Saba xx
Author
Thank you so much, Saba. You’re always so sweet 🙂 I can’t watch the news or the traumatic adverts on TV which ask for donations as they destroy me inside, it’s very difficult when you’re that sensitive to things, isn’t it? It can have such a negative impact on your well being and it’s not even your fault. I think learning to block these emotions out and not absorb them is going to be the only way to fix it, in my opinion. I’ve had CBT and multiple things before, but even though these things help for other issues, nothing ever stops the emotional issue of being an empath unfortunately 🙁 xx.
No problem at all Lorna, it’s always good to talk to you. What you said is understandable. It’s difficult to watch upsetting footage like that, and be unaffected by it. I think it’s always harder for people who have an especially sensitive temperament. The best thing you can do is be aware of your feelings and recognise when things are getting overwhelming. That way you can channel your emotions into something more helpful and constructive. It’s hard to stay positive sometimes, but I do believe it’s something that can be learned until it starts to come more naturally to us.
xx
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I agree with you there, Saba. I think that’s a really good way of looking at it xx.
Lorna I’m so pleased you opened up and wrote this. That’s a huge step forward and the first big step in healing. I’ve been in that place many many times in my life. And each time I’ve bounced back has been with a little more strength than the last time. You must be so proud of your achievements and certainly for writing this. It came from your heart I could feel that. I understand the worry with the weight also and I’m sure that will come right. I’m sending you a tree lol l sit in temporarily 🙂 . And please do a diary page it would help so many others. Xxx
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Thank you, Ali, for the tree and for the advice, ha ha 🙂 That’s nice of you to say and I appreciate the kind words xx.
Hang in there, you’re great! The diary page is a good idea xx
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Thank you xx.
First of all I’d like to express to you my gratitude for being so open about your feelings and phobias…
Of course nobody can be positive and happy and nice all the time. One can only attempt to be like that -my wife is like you- that’s why I guess I still follow your blog asides from seing your beautiful face and figure. But I imagine you already knew the reasons why a lot of us visit your blog. A belly on a well shaped body like yours can be sexy too 😉
As to your idea on having health updates I think it brings people like me, who follow you for all the wrong reasons, closer to the woman, to the person rather than the manequin. And I think that’s not a bad thing.
Lots of love,
Michael xxxxxxx
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Hi Michael, that’s so nice of you to say actually. I truly appreciate that 🙂 I wasn’t expecting the guys who follow me to be interested in this at all, as like you said, most have different reasons for following me, I wouldn’t say there were wrong or right reasons for following, but I assumed most wouldn’t be interested in a personal post like this as it’s nothing to look at. I’m sorry your wife struggles with health issues too, but she has you for support so that’s always a good thing. Thank you again! That’s very kind of you xx.
You misunderstood my comment about my wife… I meant she’s a born positive freak who breaks down occassionally when she realises she can’t make the world a better place on her own…
😉
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Oh ok, yeah I misunderstood there 🙂 She sounds lovely though!
Wish you the best on your path to healing. Hugs.
http://www.amysfashionblog.com/blog-home/
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Thanks, Amy!
Nothing worse for one’s work than resentfulness. If you need to take some time away from the blog, you should take it. (And at least you got through the MRI; I ran screaming from my first one, and stayed for the second only because I was unable to move.)
Whatever you ultimately decide, I wish only the best for you.
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They are definitely scary, did you have to have the case around your head? I have claustrophobia so having that case secure around my head and not being able to move, then put in the tunnel, was challenging, but I managed to stay calm the whole way through and manage it. Thank you for your kind words though xx.
I did. Set off a scream reflex, it did. The second time through, I actually tried to sing my way through it.
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I did the music thing, which I think helped hugely for me! It preoccupies your mind that’s for sure! I’m glad you got through yours in the end, well done!
Dear Lorna, it’s good to put things out of our chests, for sure, and it helps tremendously when we need to move on. Remember my post, after 5 years, about the death of my parents, together? I finally wrote that because I felt I needed so, then I totally understand your need to write what is going on with you now. I am also an empath and I absorb emotions, to the point of tears as well. So I think the idea of writing a personal page here is excellent. I totally understand that taking outfit pictures is overwhelming, I feel the same many times. So maybe a personal page is the way to avoid this overwhelming feeling. I myself will do something slightly similar – not personal, but motivational, as I started in July, for the next year. To be able to deal with so many things in life, that blogging consumes – time. And so we don’t miss or lose the great interaction that blog represents! I am so sorry that you are facing all these things, medical examination, the thought of a tumor (touch wood) and weight gaining. I don’t want to tale the focus of your topic, but if it helps I feel the same, I put on the 8 pounds you mentioned last month 🙁 And I feel somehow bad, bur somehow… it happens. Please stay strong, I know you said you sometimes is not that strong, but I think you are. Try to relax a bit, cause it will help you. The PR things and all the rest can wait, your health – physical and emotional – is way more important! I hope you relax a little on the weekend!
DenisesPlanet.com
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Hi Denise, yes, I remember that post well as I really felt for you. I remember mostly in it the things you had said people had said to you and I thought that was terrible! I understand why you posted it though as it’s really helpful to get things out in the open, it’s funny how the truth really does seem to set you free in a way as it’s lifted off your shoulders. It’s nice to meet other people who are empath’s as well. I find it’s a mixture of a bad and a good thing, but it can be so overwhelming. I think the idea of the page to write personal things will be very helpful in that respect 🙂
It’s a bit difficult for me to shut off from my blog for a while though as it’s my work and I don’t have another job, so it’s the only way I make money, and once I start making it quiet and am distant, that will drop, so it’s a catch 22 there. With that said though, I am in a much better place with managing it so I hope it continues. Have a good weekend too!
I came to read your answer, and saw my loads of typos! I don’t correct, because it’s like editing… but I know you understood. You are so sweet, and I do remember that your blog is your job, but sometimes it’s better to earn less and pass one or two things, than doing something that is overwhelming to you, to your health. I know it’s easier said than done, but in a way it’s like going to an office everyday, feeling a bit sad, and still going, because the end of the month’s wage is there. I don’t know whether I am explaining in a good way, but anyway, I hope you manage everything – feeling better, still earning through the blog and with better health! I really hope so, Lorna! But now I wish you a nice weekend!
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It’s ok, I understood, no worries on the typos! I always appreciate your comments.
Unfortunately my blogs only make enough for me to live on, month to month, so I’m not really in a position to take less. The only reason I’ve been able to buy nice things this year is through being given money as a gift and also by saving up any of the spare that I’ve had, so that’s where I find it hard to not do so much as I don’t make excess to not worry about for a month or two at the moment. I’m managing to find a balance though I think, I’m a lot happier and in a better place, especially now that I’ve gotten all this out in the open and can move on from it, so I think I’m good now! That personal page will definitely help xx.
Oh Lorna, sounds like you’ve had a really tough time lately. Don’t be afraid to take some time out and focus on your own mental and physical health for a while, we’ll still be here when you come back 🙂 I really hope you’re doing ok! In the past, I’ve had to get professional help and have counselling when my mental health hit rock bottom, but I’d highly recommend it if you’re thinking of talking to someone. xx
alicered.co.uk
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Thanks Alice, I’ve definitely been down that route many times before, but I don’t think it’s worked all that well, but I’m managing more on my own now 🙂
I’m very sorry for your state of mind so difficult right now, Lorna. Whatever your weight you are always beautiful and bright like a star! In periods of stress, we need to keep our passions, such as blogging, maybe you just need to find the right rhythm for you.
I think the page of personal things in a separate section is really good and helpful.
Have a lovely weekend!
Kisses
Cinzia
http://www.callmeblondiebycinziasatta.com
Author
Thank you, Cinzia! I will definitely look into doing a personal page for me and hope that it helps!
Dear Lorna,
I read your post, I follow you recently so I didn’t notice your weight or something. But I think you are very strong, hope everything will be fine in your mind, in your body and also in your heart.
Don’t stress about your blog, blogging need to be fun, don’t stress! If you need some rest, take it. Sometimes this is very stressful for me too, but I’m trying to take time for myself. I can post 3 posts per weeks and sometimes I can post 2 weeks later, I mean don’t think that much, this is your own blog. You can do whatever you want!
Have a nice day, take care of yourself <3
Neslihan
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Thank you for the kind support, that means a lot to me! It’s hard to take a break from it when it’s your job though as nobody else is there to keep it running, only myself, which is one of the downfalls of being self employed, but I’m getting there. I’m learning a balance and getting better. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing this. There are so many of us who are dealing with personal things. If you have a section for personal post like this I would read it. Plus it can potentially help someone.
http://www.comfycozyup.com
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Thank you, ok, I think I will make one of these pages!
I’m so sorry about your health issues. I think it’s important to share more than just fashion. A person working through the rough times can be inspiring, too 🙂
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Thank you! 🙂
To deal with your final paragraph first – I think it’d be a really great idea to create such a page. I think it would benefit you, it would be of interest to a lot of us and it would add another layer to your content here. 🙂
I’m so sorry to read that you’ve been having such a tough time recently. Even though you’re not looking for sympathy (and I genuinely know you mean this) I hope you’ll not object to receiving some. I don’t think it’s at all vain or shallow of you to be worried or concerned about any of the issues that you are going through or have been going through. Feeling that something is affecting your ability to do your job to your satisfaction is a perfectly legitimate concern. I have to say though, that I don’t at all feel that there’s been any drop in the quality of your output here (far from it!) – which says a great deal about you that you’ve maintained such a high standard of content during difficult times.
I’m glad that the MRI showed up nothing untoward and that you can, at least, move forward from that particular worry – and I’m happy to read that you feel that you’re journeying forwards again. I hope that as you move towards and through Christmas (which I know you enjoy very much) you’ll continue into more happier times with a whole new exciting year just around the corner. 🙂
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Thank you so much, Steven 🙂 That’s really so kind of you, I appreciate that so much as I always love to read your thoughtful comments. I’m glad the MRI worry is over and that everything was fine too, that wasn’t a great time in my life, so I’m pleased that it was dealt with quickly and I didn’t have to wait long, so I appreciate the NHS and my doctor for that.
I’m definitely going to start a page for personal thoughts and feelings, everyone seems to think it’s a good idea, so if it helps me, I will give it a go, like a diary.
I’m also really happy that you haven’t seen a drop in my content quality or my writing. I was worried as usually I write a lot more in depth with my posts and write a bit more personally, but I found I was only drawn to writing specifically about the outfit or product and that was it. I’m happy you understand and think it’s a legitimate concern too, as I know many people wouldn’t think so and would just think I need to get over myself 🙂
I’m so sorry you have these problems with your health… I hope it takes the turn for the better 🙂
Waiting for this personal page you have been planning to create here! Great idea 🙂
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Thanks! I actually already created it, it’s here: https://raindropsofsapphire.com/lorna-burfords-diary-status-page/
Lorna, I have read your diary page which brought me back here… I started reading and I thought wow… this is me… I just wrote another post like this, I admitted I am struggling, I don’t want to be negative… it feels like you totally understand what I am going through… I took the blog break, I can tell you it was hard, I missed everyone and when I decided to come back I made a choice to just tell people how I feel… I am human… so are you. We are not perfect, we are going to struggle… it’s normal. This is such a wonderful and open post, thank your your honesty xox … love you xox
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Hi Launna, it really does look like we’ve been going through something similar, doesn’t it? I’m glad we are both getting better though! Lots of love xox.